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1 year ago
tell you the truth the idea never got old; no, it was nothing like that.
Actually, I never stopped thinking about it. No, it is still there, no more than ever, not less.
So the answer would be it didn’t happen. You just get busy; you have to. Because you end up being in a damn loop, asking yourself questions that probably seem so silly to others, and that you never get answers for, and meanwhile you just keep contributing to this giant mess, around you… which means it’s time to admit defeat and make it look like they want to see it. But you are not at peace if you can’t stay quiet.
Trust me, they love the whole “I don’t give a fuck” routine, even though it’s not only for them. they don’t know, they don’t get it, (because) they don’t care.
Mind has not changed, and I have to force myself to do these things, I don’t like the “all of sudden”, I don’t even know many things, I just have to think some will happen for some peace of mind, anyway I can’t think of things happening otherwise.
About that part, I just didn’t have many options; I missed the talent distribution. Also my very few relationships (I guess this last word should be quoted) with people were big failure and who could I kid, that’s the only thing I’ve ever cared about. I don’t foresee a future. I haven’t told anyone I love them for years now. I’m not sure whether it was keeping something to myself or just the absence of the feeling maybe sometimes it was one and sometimes the other.
One thing I should probably set clear: I think of the sadness part as a leverage, not as the ultimate reason. Conclusions have always been the same and I don’t have a single doubt. I will never choose lying to myself over the real thing. To you… well to you I can lie, if you somehow ask for it.
“…the thing that kept me from doing it was not that I wanted to live but that I was just too fucking scared of dying. And it wasn’t being dead that frightened me, it was the dying part. The trip from Here to There. It makes me shiver right now, thinking about that night. I’m just a coward, basically—this makes me wish I were dead, but at the same time it keeps me alive. Same old stuff. :(“
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