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Notes: 6 / 3 months ago
Pills aren’t working anymore. I have no control over my sleeping time. I think I’m starting to develop resistance to this meds. I have no one to talk to, so basically -as many times- this screen and keyboard are my only listening friends.
Why keeping a log? it is actually pretty simple; I really don’t think this will matter to anyone (other than me), I just want to try to let it out my system, and to leave something in case someone wants to do deeper research (than usual).
It is just too hard to level reality with dreams. That duality, that ever-present duality of knowing what you want and knowing what you can’t have and knowing that those both things are the same shit. You tend to go one way or the other; either you just decide not to care about anything and everyone loves it; while you feel more miserable by the second, or you do care and you provide yourself with reasons and everything goes straight to hell.
I know I’m far from perfect, of course, but if life worked based on deservingness, this wouldn’t be the shit I’d get. That’s something I know, and maybe that’s my problem, maybe there’s something I’m missing, maybe I have a huge blind spot, maybe I’m standing, walking, sleeping and eating on the goddamn problem, maybe it’s a my-world-sized problem. But I ask anyway, to these people who are so angry at me, and they don’t give answers, they don’t give answers because they don’t like questions, they don’t like questions because it might just happen that they find out they live an empty life or because they just don’t care and it becomes annoying, or the questions are plain stupid or too complex to answer, or who the fuck knows why? But I do know one thing; people don’t like to question stuff, they prefer not chewing.
It takes the most amount of my thinking time to try to understand why it makes people so sick when I show them I care. It gets even harder when I strongly believe that it requires a lot of bravery to truly love someone; and that makes me realize real love is not for everyone.
I wanted to spend this season with you, but last time I checked it still took two to tango.
Notes
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